Skuller.

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Thursday, March 11

Springy.

Well, today I arose from slumberland early to get my butt down to school. I know. I love school so much, I can't bear part with it not even once in two silkworm moth cycles. Met Fifi at Yio Chu Kang (my favourite MRT station, besides Little India) and had a bit of breakfast.

Turnout today was beyond disappointing. Them year two's are so gonna get whipped by Sarah. Hope she wears her dominatrix outfit though. A few yadda yaddas here and there and thats it. Fifi had to go out with friends so yeah I was left with nada to do.

A 72 and 291 trip later, and it was time for dinner. I had an entire barbeque spring chicken to myself. Damn, that was good. Well in other non food-related news. I did a bit of DIY hair dyeing. I kinda like the colour, it makes me feel special. You can now fit me in any regular ole japanese porno; I swear i'd be paid well.

Tomorrow's a free day. I think i'm gonna pay dear Nyai a visit. I really miss all my cousins. Arshad, you heard me. Hehe. Well that's something you haven't heard in a very long time.

Adios.

--hazwan.

Labels: my world, updates that are way overdue

posted at 23:39

Saturday, March 6

Lifesaver.

I never would have thought i'd become this person. My whole life I spent adrift in turbulent seas. With skies of dark and grey, the rain and thunder silenced my cries of shame. I was drowning in my own sad sorrow, alone and full of cold dread. My hands were tied, and my inhibitions immobilized.

Confused. That's probably a word to describe it all, if you'd like things in summary. But if you look closely at the water, you'd realize how much of an illusion the turbulence was. It was me. I was the one drowning myself. I'd let gravity take advantage of the weight of the world, all focused up in my mind. It made me sink, literally it did. But then, came realization.

I failed to realize that there was a lonesome lifesaver attached to my waist. It had been there for awhile in my life, yet in the midst of the storm, it lay forgotten. In the form of that once ignored lifesaver, it came upon me. I suddenly felt it growing tighter around my body, as if God were closing his divine hands of truth; judgement, as you might want to call it. The lifesaver gave me hope; for once in my life, I looked to it knowing that someday, it will lead me to dry land, paradise. I was relieved and happy. The clearing sky seemed to reflect the hope in my eyes.

As the minutes turned to days, and the days turned to weeks, my newly found intuition felt a pinch of dread. The pressure of that lifesaver dawned upon me. For once, I felt fear. Primal fear, and not just something self-inflicted. I looked down, and realized that every moment spent hoping for a better future, I lost a part of who I really was. I was no longer that optimistic pessimist. Had I been blinded? Or had I been tricked? It was none to clear. But the at the back of my head, I knew, and for once in what seemed like a long time, I felt dread, yet again.

With my eyes and hands I perused that lifesaver. It came as a slow shock, but I realized that my saviour had bruised me, so slowly that I never felt it. Realization. Real...ization. It came to me quick. The lifesaver was chained. To the abyss of my darkest fears, the grip held on. I was anxious. I was lost. My mind told me to break free, but my heart told me, hold on.

Once again, I sorrowed. Once again, I dread. I spent what felt like years, eyes wide shut. Thinking of what I should do. But when I opened them, I realized that the turbulent sea I had been so familiar with was no longer there. The waters were calm. I breathed again. Onwards I looked, dazed and tired of thinking too much. Those chains were imbued with rust, though they remained as strong as ever. But I was already numbed by those cold waters. It gave me strength like the existentialist I had always been.

Here I lay, floating in the sea of my life. I don't know whether i'd find that paradise, and I don't know whether it exists. But the corroded lifesaver remained strong; supporting my weight and the weight of the world. Those chains would have to break one day, I know. And once they do, i'd know i'll somehow be free to find that paradise.

But a thought still plays on at the back of my mind. Will that lifesaver remain with me once it is released from its hold? Or will it drift in the ocean and be lost forever. Fear, once again, it came to me.

Well, heck. I'm in the eye of the storm. Maybe I should appreciate the ring of clear sky. While it lasts. I hope I will.

--hazwan.

Labels: revelations

posted at 23:22