Skuller.

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Saturday, March 6

Lifesaver.

I never would have thought i'd become this person. My whole life I spent adrift in turbulent seas. With skies of dark and grey, the rain and thunder silenced my cries of shame. I was drowning in my own sad sorrow, alone and full of cold dread. My hands were tied, and my inhibitions immobilized.

Confused. That's probably a word to describe it all, if you'd like things in summary. But if you look closely at the water, you'd realize how much of an illusion the turbulence was. It was me. I was the one drowning myself. I'd let gravity take advantage of the weight of the world, all focused up in my mind. It made me sink, literally it did. But then, came realization.

I failed to realize that there was a lonesome lifesaver attached to my waist. It had been there for awhile in my life, yet in the midst of the storm, it lay forgotten. In the form of that once ignored lifesaver, it came upon me. I suddenly felt it growing tighter around my body, as if God were closing his divine hands of truth; judgement, as you might want to call it. The lifesaver gave me hope; for once in my life, I looked to it knowing that someday, it will lead me to dry land, paradise. I was relieved and happy. The clearing sky seemed to reflect the hope in my eyes.

As the minutes turned to days, and the days turned to weeks, my newly found intuition felt a pinch of dread. The pressure of that lifesaver dawned upon me. For once, I felt fear. Primal fear, and not just something self-inflicted. I looked down, and realized that every moment spent hoping for a better future, I lost a part of who I really was. I was no longer that optimistic pessimist. Had I been blinded? Or had I been tricked? It was none to clear. But the at the back of my head, I knew, and for once in what seemed like a long time, I felt dread, yet again.

With my eyes and hands I perused that lifesaver. It came as a slow shock, but I realized that my saviour had bruised me, so slowly that I never felt it. Realization. Real...ization. It came to me quick. The lifesaver was chained. To the abyss of my darkest fears, the grip held on. I was anxious. I was lost. My mind told me to break free, but my heart told me, hold on.

Once again, I sorrowed. Once again, I dread. I spent what felt like years, eyes wide shut. Thinking of what I should do. But when I opened them, I realized that the turbulent sea I had been so familiar with was no longer there. The waters were calm. I breathed again. Onwards I looked, dazed and tired of thinking too much. Those chains were imbued with rust, though they remained as strong as ever. But I was already numbed by those cold waters. It gave me strength like the existentialist I had always been.

Here I lay, floating in the sea of my life. I don't know whether i'd find that paradise, and I don't know whether it exists. But the corroded lifesaver remained strong; supporting my weight and the weight of the world. Those chains would have to break one day, I know. And once they do, i'd know i'll somehow be free to find that paradise.

But a thought still plays on at the back of my mind. Will that lifesaver remain with me once it is released from its hold? Or will it drift in the ocean and be lost forever. Fear, once again, it came to me.

Well, heck. I'm in the eye of the storm. Maybe I should appreciate the ring of clear sky. While it lasts. I hope I will.

--hazwan.

Labels: revelations

posted at 23:22

Monday, May 11

Downcast.

You know.

Someone should invent a time machine, because I really feel like meeting the me I knew, 5 years ago. Why you might ask? Simple: I need to remind myself what kind of person shaped the person I am today. I won't lie; the me then was brutal. I might be holding it in with me now, taking everything in stride, excusing people's stupidity for naiveness, the usual shebang. But lo and behold, never, I will repeat, never, ever, should you cross the line.

Because, I am capable of saying things that are so, so mean, that it will hurt and haunt you for the rest of your life. I will bring you down so low, you'll want to beg for forgiveness. I have done that before, and I am not afraid to do it again. Friends, family, acquaintances, I don't care. Think I'm too kindly shy to shoot back at you? Think again. You insult any matter of my intelligence, I will seek vengeance. That really is the only thing that sets me off.

So kind friends, if you sense that there is going to be a storm, you'd best not be the person whom I make striking eye contact with during the calm. These aren't cheap warnings. Do these sound like the words that would come out of a cheap-talker? I should think not. So.

From now on.

--wan.

Labels: revelations

posted at 19:13

Wednesday, January 28

Folie/Vie.

Today is one of the most -cannot find suitable adjective-est days in my life. Ever.

First. Going to school today was an utter waste of time. Subrina wasn't even there, so my many queries for the YOLO poster assignment are still left unanswered. There's more work to do now, thanks for saving me my assignments, friends. I don't think I can complete that Typography assignment by tonight though. Drats.

I had to leave early and meet up with (what I felt like was) my doom, so I ciaoed Colour Studies a bit earlier (and that talk as well, I wonder how it went). Putri was there with me, so I felt better (okay, I admit it).

Now, all I want to say is that never again will I contemplate anything to do with the big 'D', ever. I don't even want to type it out, it's that bad. Okay, back to more pressing matters. When the nurse called me in again, I swear, my mind was practically - blank. For the first time in my life, my nerves got the better of me. What had to be said was said, and I left the room - and greeted Tri with a smile.

It's nothing to laugh at, nothing, at all. Now, to those close to me (about 2 of you?), you'd probably feel better after reading this. And I assure you, I do too. I am going to be fine, cow. Love you to bits.

And now, back to life.

p.s. Time to get a little philosophical now. In this world, there always are people facing far greater difficulties than the ones that we are facing now. Learn to be more accepting of life and embrace what it has offered to us (or not). Because, one way or another, problems are there to make us stronger. Thanks dad for that nihilistically cool (in a way) phrase.There are worse things in life. Like those 'dastardly nasty' assignments. Right?

--wan.

Labels: life lessons, revelations, you don't have to understand this

posted at 20:52

Thursday, November 20

Gravity.

It's pulling us down.

Way, way down.

Pulling us faster, harder.

Without mercy.

Grasping and choking.

Till it sends us to our knee's.

Heads down, knuckles bruised.

Pain, without words.

I know, tell me about it.

It hurts, doesn't it?

Falling down, it hurts.

Being stepped on, it hurts.

Being laughed at when you're down, it hurts.

Being pushed around when you're down, it hurts.

Being less favoured over the other person, it hurts..

Being misunderstood... it hurts, it hurts, it hurts (even now as you're reading this macabre prose).

I don't know how to turn around the effects of gravity. I hate the sound of rage, so I try to avoid it's clutches, and I try to avoid being involved with it. I want to be the best that I can be, yes, I tell myself I am, yet, I feel that my sort of 'best' isn't good enough.

Gosh, the vulnerability, how it shows.

Call me stupid. Call me lame. Call me stuck-up. Call me a heartbreaker. Call me whatever you want to, because I don't care.

But the truth is, I do. If not then why the affirmation?

Guardian angel of mine, please, keep me where the light is...

I want a sip, no, a huge mug of Pina Colada, and I want it now.

--wan.

Labels: my world, revelations, you don't have to understand this

posted at 20:27

Saturday, November 8

10 things you don't know about me.

Prepare thyself. You'll never look at me the same way again.

10. I once ate a cockroach nymph which hid in my daily chili.

9. When I was a kid, I thought Durex's condoms were really exotic sweets.

8. I had a major crush on Avril Lavigne when she first broke into the music scene with 'Sk8ter Boi'. I used to imagine I was the skater boy and she was the girl I used to know.

7. I don't have a bin in my name, as I have a surname.

6. My second name, Haslam, is actually an English name, not a malay one.

5. I think people with messy hair are sexy.

4. I watch Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends every single day at 1 a.m.

3. I have Placebo, John Mayer, Britney Spears, and Mozart all together in one music playlist.

2. My whole family calls me Bibong (russian slang for 'son').

1. I am mortally afraid of the sound of people fighting.

p.s. By the way, Putri is a cow tagboard flooder.

--wan.

Labels: lists, random, revelations

posted at 00:46

Wednesday, October 29

Sorry.

When words fail, the pen takes over. Or in this case, the keyboard does...

Wow. First and foremost, I would like to apologize to all of my stage arters for being such a fcuktard tonight. I definitely was, so don't console me on that (haha). Okay. Statement 1. It's peculiar how the human brain works, how my brain works. Well, I for one hate the fact that some of my emotions just seem to be locked up, for good. It makes me feel weak, being unable to feel, unable to cry. At one point in my life, I started to welcome this bizzare anomaly as a blessing; ignorance is bliss, as you may like it. But I just realised, only today, that sometimes, ignorance is just bliss in disguise.

Statement 2. It is also wonderfully intruiging how God carries out his plans. For today, I had experienced something so undescribably (insert unknown adjective here), to the point where it affected me so, so very deeply, till even Suma and her infectious laughter failed to make me laugh (I know, freaky). To that person who had a hand in helping me through such a revealing moment, I really can't thank you more. It is definitely a blessing in diguise. Speaking of which, a mask. Never hide behind one - ever. Because, what I just realised, false facades might offer temporary relief, but what hides underneath is what really matters.

I love my mother, and my father, equally. More than ever, and I never ever want to compromise my love for them by looking into the past. What matters is, the future is standing right in front of me. That is all I can say.

Now, finally, something lighthearted. The ability to laugh, is definitely what I love about people. The usual bus people. You all rock, as in roccck. Who knew the source of new joy can come, so easily somewhat, from maple eyes (hahaha). If not for you guys and your smiles, I would be worse than that guy in the MCR music video. Hahahaha. I laughed a bit too much at that.

Okay, so, as I end off, I apologize. I hope I don't sound too clingy and gross. I wish everyone good luck for Friday night. I want to remember. I want to feel. I want to do.

--wan.

Labels: drama, father, mother, pain, revelations

posted at 23:47

Saturday, October 25

Crawl away.

I hate it the way ants come crawling into your favourite grape kool-aid every now and then. They tell you that they're hardworking, loving, and even funny (Antz, A Bugs Life), but I see right through them. What they are, are irritating, lame, and usless black bozos that just want to win everything and ruin your life.

Prologue over, for now.

Let's see, Thursday, (after Typography, where we got new assignments to do) I finally had a chance to grab a much awaited lasting peek at the ever so appraised Sunplaza Mall. Then we all went to shop and eat at Causeway Point for awhile before Woo's fun Model Making class, where we learnt how to make boxes. Trust me, it is actually a very rewarding and pleasing task. Drama on Thursday was less violent than usual, we had a go at practicing our characterization instead of all the 'physical' scenes, if you know what I mean.

And thank you for the awesome notebook, LR and Haz. Another one for my library! Haha.

Friday was a drag, though in a fun way (no, not drag queen, Amin). The new assignment for Studio Project is actually quite interesting. After a short lunch break, we got our butts down to LTQ9 for Design History. It was bearable, but only because I had like eight hours of sleep the night (and day) before. No drama, so Ama and me had a chance to ciao in the sun, for what seemed like years, hahaha.

I miss my favourite people in the world. The ones that make you laugh for a solid reason. Please, save me from this bad disaster movie, Putri, hahaha.

p.s. Drama in a few hours, big show ahead.

--wan.

Labels: drama, random, revelations, school

posted at 02:01

LOL, not.

Don't be fooled by what shines through you.

What goes all out to blandish and fool you.

What makes you join in the mirth that so blinds you.

Just wait till you realize that he's just as bad if not worse, than you do.

--wan.

Labels: revelations

posted at 01:39

Friday, September 19

Closer.

You got much closer than I thought you did...

Im in your reach...

You held me in your hands...

--wan.

Labels: revelations

posted at 10:56

Monday, September 15

No title.

This song always makes me feel like crying crying crying my bleeding eyes out in one corner banging banging banging my fists on the wall until they get bloody and my skin peels off while screaming screaming screaming out their names so loud that my throat goes sore and I vomit blood and just die die die while thinking of them.

--wan.

Labels: revelations

posted at 11:11

Monday, September 1

<< Frenemies >>

People, don't think that I am blissfully unaware of any hate towards me. I always know. I keep my frenemies very close to heart.

--wan.

Labels: revelations

posted at 00:18